By Cheryl Maguire
While it may be tempting to repeatedly remind our children about their responsibilities, experts suggest that adhering to specific strategies can foster greater adherence and create a more harmonious family environment.
“Often, parents fall into the pattern of expecting their children to comply swiftly with requests, and nagging is a misguided attempt to elicit compliance,” explains Dr. Linda Kudla, a clinical psychologist associated with The Child and Family Institute.
According to Dr. Kudla, teenagers typically react to nagging by withdrawing from their parents, which may lead to an increase in nagging and worsen the situation, or they may display more defiant behaviors, such as lying or evading requests.
Dr. Sherry Kelly, a clinical psychologist and neuropsychologist from Hartford, Connecticut, notes, “Nagging usually stems from a mismatch in expectations. When parents and teens have different views, it often results in disappointment and increased nagging.”
Dr. Kelly also states that persistent nagging can contribute to anxiety and depression in adolescents.
Here are several strategies for parents to modify their nagging tendencies:
Define Expectations
It’s crucial to establish clear expectations to ensure alignment between parents and teens.
“Parents frequently expect more than what is realistic. Be explicit about your expectations for your teens, while also making an effort to understand their perspective,” advises Dr. Kelly.
Acknowledge Underlying Fears
Take time to recognize your own fears and either communicate those fears with your teen or find ways to address them.
“Nagging can often be driven by anxiety. When parents nag, it may stem from worry about their child’s well-being; such behavior can provide a false sense of control,” explains Amy Rollo, M.A., LSSP, LPA, LPC, a licensed psychotherapist based in Houston, Texas.
Recognize the Developmental Phase
Teens may resist following through with parental requests as they navigate the normal developmental process of seeking independence.
“Developing independence is a natural part of adolescence, and it’s common for teens to rebel or delay complying with requests during this time,” notes Rollo.
Amanda Sasek, MS LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist from Plymouth, Minnesota, agrees. “Parents must understand that this is a typical development phase and should approach it positively. It’s important to remember that a teen’s disobedience is generally not a personal affront; rather, they strive for some control during a period when they often feel powerless,” Sasek advises.
“Developing independence is a natural part of adolescence, and it’s common for teens to rebel or delay complying with requests during this time.”
Set Collaborative Goals with Your Teen
When parents and teens establish shared goals, they are more likely to collaborate effectively.
“Engage your teen in a discussion about household responsibilities. Determine which chores they prefer to do, and inquire about their preferred timing,” suggests Sasek.
Dr. Kudla recommends an approach of observation and dialogue to reach a mutually agreeable solution. “For instance, you might say, ‘I see that your room needs tidying up. Can you explain what’s causing the delay?’ Validate their reasons and explore ways to make the task easier—perhaps by suggesting a fun outing once it’s completed,” she elaborates.
Transform Nagging into Supportive Guidance
Dean Beckloff, PhD, LPC-S, founder of The Beckloff Behavioral Center in Dallas, Texas, recommends reimagining nagging as ‘guiding’ your teen toward healthier choices. He advises using concise language and choosing your words thoughtfully to avoid coming off as nagging. “Using politeness can shift the dynamic; consider how you would address an adult and apply that same approach with your teen,” Beckloff suggests.
Dr. Kelly introduces the PAR method: Prepare, Accommodate, and Reframe. “Anticipate triggers that may lead to nagging. Recognize and accept your emotions, such as frustration, and then reframe your nagging into a constructive response,” she explains. This shift is essential, as criticisms can disguise parental intentions to motivate or support; teens may perceive them differently.
Experts agree that many familial conflicts can be resolved through compromise, leading to stronger relationships between adolescents and their parents, while also alleviating stress in an already tumultuous teenage life.
“Using politeness can shift the dynamic; consider how you would address an adult and apply that same approach with your teen.”
Express Appreciation
“Research indicates that expressing gratitude activates positive responses in the brain, alleviating stress and contributing to overall health and happiness,” notes Dr. Kelly.
By acknowledging and appreciating your teen’s contributions, you increase the likelihood of them repeating those behaviors in the future.
Additionally, Dr. Beckloff reminds parents to seek external support when necessary, whether it’s from educators, tutors, or mental health professionals.
