By Amy Ridings and Ruth Guerreiro | Genesis Women’s Shelter & Support
During these challenging times of social distancing, many individuals may feel safe in their homes, but victims of domestic violence often face the harsh reality of being isolated with their abuser. At Genesis, one of our vital services is safety planning, wherein a licensed counselor assists survivors in strategizing practical steps to enhance their safety. If you feel at risk in your own living environment, you might find value in the tips outlined below; however, please remember that each situation is distinct, and not all suggestions may resonate with you. Trust your instincts, as you are the best judge of your own circumstances. Regardless of the ongoing COVID-19 crisis, it’s important to remember that you can still call 911 if the situation worsens.
Note: Throughout this article, we refer to the abuser using the pronoun “he.” While we acknowledge that abuse can occur in same-sex partnerships, we use “he” purely for clarity. Individuals in abusive same-sex relationships deserve the same rights to safe and healthy environments as anyone else.
- STAY VIGILANT
Abusers often show signs of escalating tension before an explosive event occurs. These indicators may be subtle shifts in behavior, body language, or vocal tone. For some, a clenched fist may signal an impending outburst, while for others, a specific facial expression could be indicative. If you may not currently recognize these warning signs, reflecting on previous experiences can help you identify patterns and potential signals. This awareness can empower you to take proactive safety measures.
- AVOID INTENSIFYING THE SITUATION
Sadly, at times, adopting a more submissive demeanor might serve as an effective safety strategy. Since abuse is fundamentally about power and control, attempting to assert yourself or engage in arguments can trigger the abuser to escalate his behavior. While you absolutely have the right to express your thoughts and defend yourself, it’s not your responsibility if asserting yourself leads to increased aggression. If you opt to remain in the relationship or feel unable to leave, adopting a submissive approach could help reduce the risk of confrontation. If you choose this path, consider ways to maintain a peaceful environment, such as avoiding topics that might provoke him. Though it may feel unjust, balancing your opinions and needs with your safety is often a necessary consideration. Recognizing that you may feel safest when being submissive can be a tough truth to confront, but remember that you are not alone. We’re here to help you navigate these challenges.
- HAVE A PLAN TO EXIT
If tensions rise, it may become essential for you to leave your home for your safety or the safety of your children. Consider plausible reasons to exit, whether it’s running errands, picking up medications, or even taking a brief walk. While current circumstances may complicate leaving due to limited public options and social distancing measures, devising creative ways to step outside can potentially ease an escalating situation. However, recognize that leaving might not always be the safest avenue—your partner’s reaction to your departure could risk further violence upon your return. In some cases, stepping onto your porch or into the yard may suffice. Since domestic abuse often thrives on secrecy, the presence of neighbors may dissuade your partner from escalating. Ultimately, you are the best judge of what the safest option is for your context.
- PREPARE YOUR CHILDREN
Many abusers hold deep-seated beliefs about their entitlement to control, which can lead to increased stress when more time is spent together, especially with children present. Children may be particularly loud or intrusive during your partner’s work hours, potentially leading to heightened aggression. Consider engaging your children in quieter activities or devising games that help maintain order. We are continuously working on resources to assist you with this—be sure to check back for updates. If your partner tends to blame you for a disorganized home, a game plan for keeping things tidy with the kids can be beneficial. Only you understand what might trigger his anger, so anticipate his responses and prepare accordingly.
Establishing a code word with your children could also prove helpful. Discuss this privately with them beforehand, ensuring they understand its significance. For instance, if you say, “It’s time to go pick up your medicine,” it can serve as a signal for them to wait outside on the front porch. You might also want to create an alternative code that prompts them to call 911.
While no safety plan can guarantee complete protection, it can help mitigate risks. If you wish to create a personalized safety strategy, our hotline is available 24/7 for support. Reaching out doesn’t require you to be a Genesis client, nor must you disclose your identity. Remember, the abuse is never your fault, you deserve better, and your voice should be heard.
For further details regarding safety planning, visit the Genesis safety planning webpage.
Contact Information:
- Emergency Hotline: 214.946.HELP (4357)
- Main Outreach Office: 214.389.7700
Authored by Amy Ridings, director of communications, and Ruth Guerreiro, LCSW, senior director of clinical and non-residential services at Genesis Women’s Shelter & Support
