By Grace Gillaspie Gray | Contributor
Do you recall your first romantic partner? I certainly do. His name was Bryan. A well-liked skater, he was surrounded by friends, while I was navigating a significant identity crisis, searching for my place in the world. Our relationship lasted just two weeks (though we never actually went on a date) and culminated in a brief 0.5-second kiss by my locker before lunch in eighth grade. When we entered the cafeteria afterward, our friends giggled, fully aware that the kiss had been orchestrated by at least six of our peers. That very night, he ended things on instant messenger, opting to pursue Margaret instead.
Fortunately, my understanding of relationships has evolved since those middle school days, although it was a journey of trial and error to grasp what a healthy relationship truly entails.
To foster a healthy relationship, certain foundational elements are necessary. Firstly, it’s vital for parents to exemplify and instruct teens on how to love and protect themselves, emphasizing this as their primary focus. Adolescence is marked by profound identity changes, making it unreasonable to expect teens to have a clear sense of self. Regardless of your relationship status—be it divorced, single, dating, remarried, or joyfully married to your teen’s other parent—what truly matters is how they observe your relationships with others.
Secondly, it’s essential to be transparent about your own relationships. Don’t shy away from revealing that disagreements occur. Show them how arguments unfold and what constructive conflict resolution looks like. Let them witness you making compromises, admitting mistakes, and offering apologies. And, importantly, let them see the reconciliation process and the realization that the relationship holds more weight than the disagreement.
Thirdly, if your teenager opts to date, it is perfectly fine to share your thoughts, but do not expect them to align with your views. Despite familial ties, they are individuals making their own choices. Safety should be the top priority, and this is non-negotiable. Always reassure them that they can approach you for help, and when they do, offer your support without shaming them. Reinforce the concepts of self-love and self-protection. Keeping in mind that no parent is infallible, your commitment to supporting your teen will always resonate.
Encouraging teens to reflect on their own feelings can also be productive. Posing questions instead of giving direct advice may help them evaluate whether they are prioritizing their well-being. Helpful questions might include:
• “Do I feel safe in this situation?”
• “Is this causing me emotional or physical harm?”
• “Are my choices being respected?”
• “Is my voice being acknowledged?”
• “Might I regret this decision later?”
• “Would I feel embarrassed or guilty if my family or friends learned about this?”
• “What does my intuition tell me?”
• “Are my partner and I sharing decision-making responsibilities equally?”
Maintaining open communication with your teen is crucial, whether through setting an example or engaging in direct dialogue. Attempt to inquire about their own experiences prior to offering your insights, and prioritize listening over speaking. By fostering intentional communication, you demonstrate your support and that your love is unwavering regardless of circumstances.
If you’re seeking additional assistance, organizations like Girls to Women and Young Men’s Health & Wellness can be valuable resources for initiating these discussions. Alternatively, feel free to explore the resources provided below.
Editor’s Note: Grace Gillaspie Gray serves as a Pediatric Nurse Practitioner at Girls to Women/Young Men’s Health and Wellness, with locations in Dallas, Fort Worth, and McKinney (opening February 2020), Texas. For more details, visit their website at www.gtw-health.com or call 972-733-6565.
Resources:
Turning Point-Rape Crisis Hotline and Center800.886.7243
Texas Teen Runaway Hotline888.580.HELP
National Dating Abuse Help Line800.331.9474
The Trevor Lifeline-Hotline for LGBTQ Teen866.488.7386
The Family Place-Domestic Violence Hotline214.941.1991
