By Tanni Haas, Ph.D. | Contributor
Communicating with teenagers is often a challenge for parents, but it doesn’t have to be. There are various strategies that can be employed to improve communication, as well as some approaches to avoid. Here are expert recommendations to enhance conversations with your teens:
Provide Solid Justifications
It’s essential for teens to feel respected by their parents. Instead of merely expressing your views or directives, it’s helpful to explain the rationale behind your words. As Rachel Ehmke from the Child Mind Institute suggests, “Explain why your opinions are justified,” ensuring you provide meaningful reasoning for your expectations and opinions.
Give Them Time to Reflect
Understand that processing significant discussions can take your teen considerable time, often days or even weeks. If they seem perplexed, allow them the necessary time and space to think over your conversation before revisiting the topic. “You might find that the discussion develops uniquely over time,” states clinical psychologist Dr. Gregory Jantz.
Turn Statements into Questions
When you present ideas as questions instead of commands, it encourages deeper thought in your teenagers. “Asking questions,” asserts Josh Shipp, author of The Grown-Up’s Guide to Teenage Humans, guides your children to think critically on their own. Formulate inquiries that prompt them to contemplate the effects and intentions behind their choices.
“Stop talking before your teen tunes out.”
Be Concise
Keep your conversations brief and direct, advises therapist Mendi Baron: “If you ramble, your teen might be thinking, ‘I’ve gotten the message, now please stop.’ It’s important to pause before your teen disengages.” While it may be tempting for parents to share everything weighing on their minds, lengthy discussions can lead to diminishing attention from teens.
Maintain Your Composure
Even in instances when your teens may act disrespectfully or seem uninterested, it’s crucial to remain calm. Losing your temper can escalate discussions into conflicts. Remember, as the adult, you should be capable of managing your emotions more effectively than your teens. Instead of reacting angrily, Ms. Ehmke recommends taking a moment—count to ten or take deep breaths before responding.
Avoid Lecturing
Lectures can cause your teen to disengage, as Mr. Shipp warns: “If you lecture, your teen stops listening; that can lead to a situation where you have important information, but it doesn’t get through.” Lecturing becomes a one-sided conversation that lacks the mutual dialogue essential for understanding between you and your teen.
A lecture is a monologue where only you get to talk and not a dialogue between you and your teen where both get to speak.
Use Neutral Language
“No one enjoys feeling judged,” notes counselor Trudy Griffin. If your comments come across as critical, your teen may withdraw from the conversation. Strive to convey your thoughts in a neutral tone. Ms. Griffin emphasizes that by omitting judgmental language from discussions, you may be pleasantly surprised by your teen’s increased willingness to engage with you.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Tanni Haas serves as a Professor in the Department of Communication Arts, Sciences & Disorders at the City University of New York – Brooklyn College.
