By Dr. Dean Beckloff | Contributor
As parents, our hopes for our children are boundless. We are captivated by their every milestone—from their first steps and spoken words to their initial soccer games and school experiences, extending all the way to their transition into high school and college. Our love for them is profound and comes from a genuine place. There is certainly nothing inappropriate about cherishing our children.
However, there comes a point when this adoration becomes problematic. At what stage do our aspirations for them transform into expectations that they must adopt and chase? When does our support in striving for excellence shift into imposing our own desires upon them, rather than guiding them to become their best selves?
Some parents have a tendency to cross that line. We witness instances of parents berating their children from the sidelines for making mistakes during games or going to extremes—such as cheating—to secure a place for their child in a favorable school, like we recently saw with parents facing legal consequences for their actions. Any parent who transitions from support to anger may have overstepped their bounds.
But why does this happen? Often, fear is at the root of crossing these boundaries. I dislike singling out individuals, but take Felicity Huffman as an example; her decision to cheat for her daughter stemmed from fear. She worried her daughter would fail to gain admission to her dream college or achieve the necessary scores for success. This fear may drive parents to exert excessive pressure on their children or engage in unethical actions on their behalf.
The consequences of allowing fear to dictate our actions can be detrimental. When parents become overly anxious about their children’s futures, they can inadvertently strip away the encouragement and validation that kids need. As reported, Huffman’s daughter essentially questioned her mother’s faith in her abilities, asking, “Didn’t you believe in me?” Moreover, parents may unintentionally communicate to their children that they are ill-equipped to handle setbacks—that failure should be avoided at all costs, which denies them the necessary resilience to cope with life’s challenges.
Ultimately, by overstepping their role, parents risk exacerbating the situation. When support evolves into a takeover of their teenagers’ ambitions, it can lead to increased tension and emotional turmoil. Issues such as anger, depression, anxiety, and academic struggles can arise, potentially damaging relationships. Adolescents are supposed to be carving their path toward independence, a developmental process known in psychology as “individuation.” Interference from parents can disrupt this process and fuel further conflict, resulting in a negative cycle that perpetuates itself.
It is natural for parents to worry about their children, and this deep concern may prompt them to act in ways that may be counterproductive. However, it is crucial to assist our teenagers in becoming the individuals they wish to be. We should empower them and provide the validation they crave. If they express an interest in enlisting in the military while you dream of them becoming lawyers, resist the urge to panic. Encourage them in their pursuits, fostering their exploration and self-discovery without obstructing their journey. When they face challenges, such as their SATs, remain calm and supportive. Should they not achieve their desired score, they will need your encouragement to try again. Let us be their advocates and believe in their abilities, emphasizing their strength to overcome obstacles and persevere.
Editor’s Note:Dr. Dean Beckloff is a pediatric therapist, school counselor, and trainer specializing in assisting children and families through divorce and other life transitions. He is the founder of the Beckloff Behavioral Center in Dallas. To reach Dr. Beckloff with questions, comments, or to schedule a consultation, visit the Beckloff Pediatric Behavioral Center: DrBeckloff.com / 972.250.1700
